Where all my dreams come alive

2007-03-06T20:34:00.000+08:00

so yes. posting results are out and i am posted to Temasek Poly. haha! well, its my first choice so yes. Cyber and Digital Security. I know most people are going to say... "huh??? What the hell is that?" BLAH. its a course for your information. And yes. that's all it is.

I am bored. Bored. BORED. :(

2007-02-27T20:52:00.000+08:00

I never dreamed that i would be here today. With my life like that. Some might say its a dream come true, but i really wonder... is this it?

Blah. I am just bored at home. Not working anymore since the poly students are having their exams now. So yes. I am just rotting away at home.

2007-02-10T10:33:00.000+08:00

You are the reason why i smile everyday. :)

Release me from this mysterious waiting.
The stars are falling, the wind is blowing.
Finally I can hold you in my arms.
Two hearts beating together
Believe me that my heart is never-changing
Waiting a thousand years, you have my promise
Despite many bitter winters
I never let you go.

Close your eyes and tightly grab my hands.
Please recall the past – the days we were in love.
We loved each other too much.
It is sorrowful.
That we cant even say, I love you.

Every night my heart aches.
I never stop thinking of you.
I am used to being alone for such a long time
And I face it with a smile.
Believe me, I choose to wait
Even though its painful, I wont leave.
Only your tenderness can save me
From the endless cold.

Let love be a blossoming flower in our hearts
We can pass through time,
Never bowing our heads, and never giving up our dream

We never forget our promise.
Only true love follow us
As we pass through time.
We cant even say I love you.The love we have in our hearts is the only never-changing myth.

2007-02-04T21:49:00.000+08:00

Yes. Keep lying to me. Use me when you need me.. and when you don't need me. Remember to throw me to a corner. Is this what i am here for? Something to entertain you when you are bored? and when you are done, just throw me one side and wait till you need me again?

I lead a life just like you do. I am a human too. I can feel too. I am just as normal as you are if you did not realise that. SO. if you dont like what i am doing to you now, dont do it to me. Is that very hard to understand?

If i could, i wish i could tell this right in your face. "FUCK OFF". I dont need you and i dont need another person to make my life worse than it is now. THANKS A LOT.

2007-01-04T12:31:00.000+08:00

O's are over. New year is here. What more can i ask for?
Another "happy" year?

Started working at TP. Let's hope this year would be a breeze.

Happy new year to anyone who pass by my blog. :D. Cheers!

2006-10-16T12:38:00.000+08:00

Been busy working for the past week. Gosh. I love working! compared to studying. its so much more fun and entertaining.

Well, the event is over and i think i am suffering from post-work syndrome. I miss working there. I miss interacting with the people that comes. I miss everything about the event. I think that the past week was the best week through the year and in my life! I LOVE IT.

Now, i keep waking up early thinking that i need to work. Gosh. I wonder if i am ever going to get into the exam mood soon. I better.

Well then. goodbye. HAHA.

2006-10-05T22:21:00.000+08:00

FUCK OFF- I HATE THIS.

2006-10-02T23:28:00.000+08:00

The hardest thing to know is walking towards a dream that wont ever come true.

Sigh. I wonder if i am doing the right thing by hanging on to this life of mine. I've struggled for so long. It makes no sense to continue living a life which i have no idea about. If only i was "enlighten". Sigh.

~~I hate this. I hate the way you act. Why must you seem so hard-hearted.~~ Why must you be so far away from me?

2006-10-01T23:12:00.000+08:00

HAPPY ONE YEAR BIRTHDAY TO MY BLOG.

ahah. amazed that it actually lasted that long. I have been trying to change my blogskin since 4pm in the afternoon till now, which happens to be 11pm already, but yes, something seems to be wrong. I cant get it to fit properly. Oh wells. This is the first blogskin that is SOO diffcult to host. Sigh.

ANYWAY. I MISS EVERYONE.

Oddness. :)

2006-09-29T21:29:00.000+08:00

I dont know how you are capable of hurting me so much.

Is this how its suppose to end? ARGH. What A Nice Life I Have. FUCK.

Na!! I miss you. I miss you soo soo much. Where are you when i need you? Yesterday, I went to PS to see {her} for the last time, only walked past the area once then my friend had to leave. Then i started thinking of you, I remember, no matter how much you find it weird walking up and down just peeping in, you would always accompany me. I remember, when i walked past 1 time but i still wanted to see {her}. You actually suggested to me walking past more times. In the end, we walked about 1o over times. When I cant find {her}, you would wait with me and walk with me over and over again till i finally manage to see {her}. When i feel sad while thinking of {her} and cant find any reason to smile, you would always do those weird stuff that would make me laugh. You were also the one that would bring me to Cartel to eat, even though we are both going broke from the bills there, just so there i can see {her} longer. You were the one that was always there for me whenever i go mad thinking of {her}.

Now that you are not here, i finally realise how important you are in my life. Without you, I would not be able to stay alive till today. Without you, there wont be much meaning to my life. I thank God for giving you to me as my cousin. Rather than a friend, cause i know no matter how much we fight or have our disagreements, there would always be a bond there... and i really really treasure that. (we rarely fight though, considering that you are always giving in to me).

Thinking about you last night made me cry, for a moment, I had this feeling like you were gone from my life. I had this empty feeling in me. Like when I have news to tell, I would always think of you but yet, last night, when i wanted to tell you something, i realise that you are not there to listen anymore. I felt so lonely all of a sudden.

NA. I wish you would come back soon. Or at least, be able to talk to you online.

Sigh. Anyway. This post is dedicated to YOU! Considering that the entire post is on you except the first line. Its meant for {her}.

Come back soon k? LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU.

2006-09-25T20:59:00.000+08:00

Sigh. All in all, today was not a good day. Everything seems to be going wrong. I feel like a ragdoll. Wonder why. My entire life seems to be torned apart. From top to bottom. Nothing is going right.

I know i am suppose to study hard right now and prepare for my o's but... I just cant seem to get my mind on studies. Everytime i think of opening a book, everything else comes before me and obstruct my thoughts. I wonder why am i still studying, maybe I should just give up on my studies.

I wonder why am I even here on earth. Why am i still struggling on with this life of mine? What am i surviving for? My friends? My dreams that will never become reality? Or am i just here because i am suppose to be, like everyone would say.

I wish i could kill myself right this instance. Life really drains me. Even sleeping has become a torture to me. What else can i do that would make me feel right? Perhaps, cutting myself and the feeling of pain it gives, allow me to know where i am right now.

Where does my heart lies? With me? or have i lost it to nothingness. Sigh.

WELCOME TO MY LIFE. FUCK IT.

2006-09-24T21:45:00.000+08:00

Give me a reason to continue living this life of mine.
Give me a reason to which why I should not kill myself
Give me a reason to believe you.

Fuck my life.

2006-09-24T12:42:00.000+08:00

With a plastered on smile, I will convince the world that I am fine.

Can it really be done? Can i really deny everything and act as though my life is perfect? Its the only way that i might be able to save myself from death. or to stop myself from doing stupid things.

I'll smile. I'll smile for the sake of knowing that {she} is still out there. Fine and happy. I'll smile to convince myself that i am feeling happy for her. I'll smile for the chance of knowing {her}. I'll smile for all the times that i got to look at {her}. I'll smile because she lived.

I'll smile because that is what the world wants. Not because i'm truly happy but just to lie to myself. I love lying to myself. Its what i do everyday.

2006-09-23T20:03:00.000+08:00

Sigh. I feel very stone. OR perhaps odd? I dont know. I just feel wrong.

Had retreat on Friday in school. Almost everyone was crying. Seems like i was feeling so stone and heartless. Maybe its cause i was still sick so i had no mood. But...yeah. Was still shock at how i react to all my friends. Wish i was not feeling so down yesterday. Sigh. After that, collected my Math paper. I passed. but yes... I dont know. I really dont know what to feel. Met my cousin in the evening, she brought me down to PS to eat and to see {her}. Got to see ALOT of her but felt so hurt cause its like...the last time i might even see her again.

Met Sherry in the afternoon just now to go for the briefing for the work. Suppose to meet her at PS so i could see {her}, but they say she didnt come to work. Felt so sad. I DONT KNOW. I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT TO FEEL ANYMORE.

I FEEL LIKE KILLING MYSELF. then maybe i know that i need to feel pain.

NA!! i really miss you now. i wish you were here so i could tell you everything. I miss the way you can make me laugh with your spastic face. I miss everything about you. I guess i never realise how impt you were in my life till you have to leave. Please come back safely k? I'll be waiting.

And as for now. I will just go back to feeling weird and empty. More like, dont know what to feel.

I just want to die. Grant me this wish of mine.

2006-09-20T21:03:00.001+08:00

Gosh. My head is like feeling so woozy. Sigh. Suppose its the fever. Its not getting better but worse. The temperature is like going higher and higher. sigh.
I am like not even thinking straight i think i shall go and rest. BYE.

I miss you. Are you there? Can you hear me? I really miss you alot.

2006-09-19T18:58:00.000+08:00

Great. Having fever and sore throat now. Sigh. Must be the brownie at Cartel yesterday. Sigh. I think i can conclude that CAFE CARTEL is NOT good for me. The food there makes me physically sick. The people (acutally, its only {her})there drains me emtionally, A.K.A. love sick.

Sigh. I wonder when will i ever see her again. Maybe never.

What a life i have.

I can't forget you. Even though i know that i might never be with you. You still mean a lot to me. I see you in my dreams every night. Would there be one day where i can forget you totally? I doubt not. I miss you.

2006-09-18T23:10:00.000+08:00

*_ Nothing in this world_* by Atomic Kitten

It's been so long I can't remember when
We didn't care how deep it was we dived right in
Watching everything around us disappear
Oh I've missed you here
And it seems the little things get in the way
We're so caught up in routine from day to day
Sometimes it feels like we're not anchored anywhere
Oh I've missed you yeah

[Chorus]
So tell me there's nothing in the world
That could ever come between us
Show me your not afraid tonight
Baby make me believe
That there's nothing in the world
That could ever steal the moment from right here and now ...
Nothing, nothing, in the world

Two shadows falling back together now
Baby we've spent too much time just hiding out
And there's nowhere that I'd rather be than here
Cos I've missed you yeah

[Chorus]

Nothing in the world (in the world)
There's nothing in the world..

---------------------

Sigh. These few days have not been going well. Don't really feel like saying out why.

~~Tell me all these was a lie. Tell me that you won't leave me. Tell me that you care.~~ No. wait. Just tell me that you hate me and let it all end now. Don't make me suffer on. Please. Let me have my life back again...

2006-09-11T21:59:00.000+08:00

Feeling super happy today. :D I saw {her} just now. YAY!

Had Math Paper 2 and History paper this morning. Kind of screwed up Math as I didnt really have enough time. History, i did the most cleverest thing. Halfway through the exam, suddenly, i felt kind of sleepy. So yes... I just put my head down and went to sleep without finishing the paper. Clever eh? haha. But yes, that sleep was refreshing.

Went to PS with Jo to collect her MP3. Quite fun. Its been a long time since i went out with her. I remember the last time was like National Day Eve, we planned to watch Pirates. But it dragged. (you know what i am talking about. :D) JO!- Go out again soon k?

Met up with my cousin at CP to learn accounts, but...yes. Ended up thinking of {her} and talking about {her} non-stop. HAHA!. YES. I admit it. I LOVE HER. :)

HAHA. was at Macs just now...was buying food, but apparently my mind was not there. I was day-dreaming about smth. yeah. you know what la.. haha! Then the person wanted to collect the money,but yes... i was totally not paying attention. So yes. haha. kind of embrassed myself.

Anyway. So bored now!!! Messenger wont work. Said some crap about the contact list is not ready?! like...what the H***. :D

Alright. I shall go and watch tv now! GOODNIGHT.

I love you. I miss you. I need you. Don't ignore me please? And maybe tonight, we'll fly so far away... We'll be lost before the dawn.

2006-09-10T22:22:00.000+08:00

I feel super hopeless now. :( Damn.

Like what the h***. Why can't there just be a little hope in the world. Just a little. Is it so hard just trying to get to know the one person. Its not fair! :( Its just not fair.

I HATE MY LIFE. ARGH!

i hate my life. i hate my life. i hate my life. i hate my life. i hate my life. i hate my life. i hate my life. i hate my life. i hate my life. i hate my life.

2006-09-09T21:47:00.000+08:00

This is going to be a long post. You have been warned. :)

Wednesday- Planned to meet my cousin in the morning at 10, unfortunatly, i forgot to take the keys to my grandmother's place from my mother and my mom is having a class all the way to 1pm. So i have no choice but to wait till then to meet her and get it.

After placing our bags down, decided to walk down to my aunty's place to visit my grandmother. Spent like 1hr playing with my cousin. He's kind of cute. In some way only. Then we decided to have our dinner at Bishan, and guess what. We walked there. :) From Toa Payoh Interchange all the way to Junction 8. Took us over 1hr just to walk there. Was about to die from all the walking.

After eating, went to NTUC to shop. Bought vegetables, fruits, ham and canned soup. For a moment, it felt like we were living in our own home and buying food to stock up. So cool. Alas, we were done. Suddenly, i had a craving for coffee from CARTEL. So yes, bought a coffee on my way back.

Went back up to our new home for the coming 3 days, put the food down, and my cousin wanted to go down to shop. SO YES. We went down at about 8 till 9. Just shopping. Quite fun. :) Came back and watched television. Studied a little as well. I dont know why i could not sleep. Perhaps it was the coffee. so yes, stoned, watched tv, studied till about 3.30am, then decided to lay down on the sofa cause my heart was giving a funny signal. It started beating faster and harder, and my entire body felt super drained. So i presume that my heart is like working harder to pump the blood around my body which is a bit odd. Yeah. Tried to sleep but woke up every 5 minutes. Oh well.

Thursday- Walked to Toa Payoh Lorong 8 at about 7.30am to eat. Came back about 10am. Felt so so so tired. Decided to sleep for a while. But through out that, so many phone calls came. But yes, my cousin answered all of them. I was too tired to get up, and she was sleeping on the outside of the bed..so yes. :)

At about 5.30, went down to TP interchange to meet my cousin Sheila to get my calculator, after like 20 years. THANX DEAR. for keeping my calculator and your patience when i keep changing the time to meet you. After that, went to Far East and then walked to Paragon with my cousin, Angie. Wanted to go to the roof of Paragon but yes. Could not find the exit up there. :(

Got bored after a while, we walked, walked and walked. Somehow, we ended up at PLAZA SINGAPURA again. 5th time. Sigh. Met Sherry there, did not expect as my cousin called her and she said she was not working. so yes. talked and then we left. Bought some drinks* on the way home. :) Then watched DVD till about 1.30am.

Friday- Woke up about 10plus. Watched TV. Then followed my cousin to meet Sherry again...at about 3pm. Went to CARTEL to eat again. Someone was treating them. So yes. Did not spent a cent. :) Sat there till about 6.30pm. Met Raphel there. (i think that is how you spell his name). haha!

Saw someone else there. Well, at least... I dont know. I thought she cute. Not cute. But. you know. nvm. :) GOSH. Looking at her just makes me smile. :D

TODAY- :) yes. I was thinking about her till i FELL DOWN the stairs. :) yes. Clever me. I dont know what happen. One second i was walking down the stair, and thinking about her, the next second...i was on the floor. :) HURRAY for me. HAHA. got a cut on my arm but yes. Its ok. I needed that pain.

Watching "I am Sam" now. So touching. :) so yes. GOODNIGHT everyone. esp to her* and HER**. :D

2006-09-05T22:25:00.000+08:00

Hmm. Today was a great day. I think it was. HAHA. Met my cousin and sherry about 12 in the afternoon. Then followed Sherry to buy her guitar. HAHA. Looked around for like about 2 hrs. Finally, she manage to find one that she like. Gd for you. :)

After that, followed my cousin to Some place around Marina Square for a job interview. HAHA. The place is quite cool. Quiet and isolated? hahaha. Then took a cab down to PS. haha. This was like the FOURTH time i went there in one week. She wanted to have an interview at Cartel. Ended up having our lunch cum dinner there.

Spent like another 2 hrs just slacking in Cartel. Well, maybe i was the one slacking. Was kind of sleeping where as my cousin and Sherry seemed to be having laughing fits...of smth. which i rather not say.

-----That is like kinda of the whole day already.-----

Monday was fun. I got a jacket! and i am loving it. HAHA. Its black and i think its kinda cool. HAHA. Met my cousin like about 10 in the morning cause i thought she was going to go home early like about 5. Unexpectedly, she did not have to.. so we kind of have a lot of time to spent.

Went to Robinsons to walk. Walk and walk and walk. like about 11-12 plus, went down to Marina Square. Love that place. haha. Spent like over an hour just at ONE shop in the shopping center. SASA. at about 1-2 plus. We decided to go and grab lunch. Went to Billy Bombers to eat brownie first. It was so so sinful. All the chocolate everywhere. After that. walked to Subway to have our proper lunch. The food is like SUPERB. hahas!!!

Like about 3 plus, we went back into Marina Square and saw this crowd of people crowding around this area. HAHA. Seems like a celebrity was at hand. But we have no idea who is it. So we decided to hang around. After like 15 mins, we still have no idea. Wanted to leave then suddenly, the whole crowd like ran towards us. Apparently, the *star* was walking to the other end, so yes. They ran in that direction too. Finally, my cousin manage to ask one of the aunty running about. HAHA. She said smth about a korean star acting in (Stairways to Heaven). haha! our reaction was priceless. We had this look. As though she was talking in a foreign language. In the end, we decided to walk off.

Walked to the Esplanade. I kind of love that place as well. I think the city area is like super cool. after about 1/2 hr, decided to go down to TAKA. My cousin actually wanted to walk down, but yes, you are talking about walking to me. NO WAY. HAHA. end up, we took the mrt. :) after that we went to far east plaza. walked about for a while. then my cousin suggested eating FRIED MARS BALL. or smth like that. OMG. Super Super Super SINFUL. The oil was like everywhere...on my hair, on my cousin's hair, on my shirt, on my cousin's shirt. YUCKS. The chocolate was just...i dunno. sinful yet nice. haha!

At about 8, decided to walk down to PS to visit Sherry at Cartel. HAHA. so tired la. walking everywhere. and like there was like thunder and lightning as we walk. haha. OH WELLS.

This few days have been really tiring. Shop, walk, shop, walk, shop, walk. Sigh. haha! but it was really really fun. Spending time with my cousin and everything. HAHA.

NA-GET BETTER YEAH? haha. we shall have so much fun in the coming few days. :D

Wont be online for the next few days. Going to go over to my grandma place to stay overnight. There is like no COMPUTER. ahaha. The toilet system is not very gd too. haha. I think if i need to go to the toilet, i would like just walk down to the interchange toilets. The facilites are much better? haha. yes. it is.

So yes guys. as, for those that actually comes to this pathetic blog. HAHA. You wont be seeing me any time soon. SO YES. CHEERS to you. CHEERS to everyone in this world. CHEERS to *her. :D

GOODNIGHT.

2006-09-02T23:12:00.000+08:00

I FEEL LIKE AN ODDBALL.

that was so random.

2006-09-02T19:15:00.000+08:00

Went out with my darling cousin yesterday. It has been like months since we went out together. After all, we were all busy with our own stuffs.Went to PS to watch "Click". The show was super touching. Damn. I cried like 3 times through the whole movie. Oh wells. Credits to the director and of course, the actor. :)

After that, went around town shopping. Bought a dress. :) I think i am going mad. HAHA. Anyways, shop till about 6. Then went to Starbucks to rest. Had my dinner there. Sat there for about an hour till we finally decided where to go. Walked down to the Esplanade. Nearly died walking there. Oh wells. Enjoyed myself. The view was great and life felt so free.

At about 8, decided to go down to Marina Square to shop. damn tired. but yeah. Hell, it was fun. Haha. So happy. I love staying out late. :):):)

I seriously think i am going mad. First, i would feel damn happy and in a matter of seconds, i will just feel so depressed. Oh wells. Normal. I always experienced that.

Dear me, I am having this thinking that *She do not like me because I am too fat. So yes, i have decided that through this week of September Holiday, I am going to exercise and lose some weight. But yes, stupid thinking. I doubt it is true but anyways, lets just pretend it is. Give myself a stupid reason to not be hurt.

Hmm...might be staying over at with my cousin at my Grandmother place for the coming week. So fun. It would be just the two of us as our Grandmother does not stay there. The house is just under her name. HAHA. Cool yeah? And we get to stay out as late as we want..without having to worry about how late we get back, and what would our parents say.

YAY. I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO IT. but yes, exams resume the week after next. So i think i would still have to study. Man. I am so de-motivated. HAHA.

TIRED. TIRED. I am like having a headache. I dont know why. Heck. Who cares anyway. Wonder who comes to read this blog. HAHA. I wonder why am i interested to know. SCRAPE the last question.

GOODBYE. :)

Addiction to Self-Affliction

2006-08-20T19:48:00.000+08:00

*-Addiction to Self-Affliction-*

You think you know me,
But I'm afraid it's not true.
You think I'm happy,
But I'm not like you.

Yes, I smile on the surface,
But on the darkened inside,
I wish I'm in another place,
Where I do not have to hide.

I have a secret, I hide so deep,
Hidden beneath the clothing,
On the outside I begin to weep,
Underneath I'm silently bleeding.

Scars remind me of the past,
Reminds me I'm a mistake.
That happiness will never last,
It's just all so fake.

My friends left a scar and I added many more.
Lost in a world of darkness.
I long for help, I long for a cure.
An escape from all of this.

I loathe who I have become.
I wish I didn't use the knife,
I wish I wasn't so numb,
I wish I didn't have this life.

Fading further away, I'm not going to win.
I can't stop this addiction.
There's nothing left to do but give in.
I'm addicted to self affliction.

Watching as another cut is made,
The blood may flow from my vein,
But the numbness will fade.
As the tears fall like rain.

Cuts will heal but scars remain.
There is a smile on the outside,
Inside still stays the pain.
And this addiction I continue to hide.

-------------------------------------------

It has been a long time since i updated. Oh wells. Like who even comes to this blog. Anyways... I suppose life has changed a lot for me. I am no more whom i used to be. Everyone is telling me that i have changed. Have I?

My Godma says that I am straying from my faith... I wont contradict her. I assume she is right.. after all, though i pray to God all the time.. I guess, in my heart, I never really believed that God will listen but yet sometimes deep in my heart, there is like a glimsp of hope that i still cherish, that God will listen and help me.

My friends. There are so much things to say. I dont know if i really exist in this world. Sometimes..they really can make my day, but sometimes, i just feel like being alone and they are always sticking around me. I dont know whether to feel blessed cause i have friends that stick with me or rather irritated that i cant get a moment to myself.

Sometimes..I wish i was just like my other friend. Even though many people avoid her, i feel that she is lucky that she can actually find time to be by herself. Just be herself without having anyone next to her who might be just be interfering with her life. But i guess, a life like that is not that good. Everyone needs friends and not just the popular peopIe.

I guess i can never understand myself that easily.

Prelims are just around the corner, and i have not started studying. I just do not have the motivation.I guess i have not choice but to force myself to study just for this last week.

I have been thinking about her for the past month. why. I even force myself to like someone else so that i can drive her out of my mind? Stupid thing to do because it will never work. Love is not meant to be like that. Contradicting part is that i do not dare to tell her i like her. Why would i want to do such thing. Most people would always say, the best thing in love is to see the other party happy. I guess, if i can see her smile everyday, i am willing to do anything to sustain that smile, even if it means giving up on her to someone else, someone i do not like, someone i wish that she would never be with.

Sigh. Life is horrible. I hate my life. I want everything to end now. Just suggest a quick way to end all of it, i might just try. why me? the question of all existence and pain. why me?

2006-07-28T20:28:00.000+08:00

Did not blog for a very long time. Through out this whole period of time, so many things happened. Too many things to say. I guess i will just keep it to today.

After thinking through for a long time, we decided to tell your friend our true feelings about how we feel about her. But, i dont know if that was a mistake. I feel like there is no point trying to lie to her, and keep ignoring her. If i were to put myself in her shoes, i guess i would rather them just tell me rather than them just pretending that i dont exist.

Seeing her cry, was quite hurting. I dont know what nicer way to put my message across to her. I guess i could feel how she feel, i wish i could emphaise more on the fact that i still want to be her friend and be there for her, but, untimately, could not be done. No matter how much i say, i know that that will always be a gap there. Nothing can undo those changes. Somehow, after that, i dont understand if i am suppose to feel relief over the fact that we finally told her how we felt or feel like a idiot for hurting her.

I guess if this was to happen to anyone, their entire spirit would be crushed. I dont know whether what i did was correct or was it plain stupidity. She went to class in tears, confided to her best friend, which happen to be someone i dislike. As a result, the matter got worse. I have no idea how that happen. Even the teacher had to interfere, i guess the matter would only be resolved if both my fren and her meet and speak their minds, considering that she could only cry just now.

After that, the only i could do was to go to the toilet and cry. I have no idea why, I suppose its about everything that has been happening, not just about her. Everything in my life seem to be going wrong.

I keep thinking about what would happen in the future. Stupid, yes, i know. But apparently, that is the problem that has affected me the most. Not about where i would study in the future but about my friends. I guess when all of us leave secondary school, some of us might never see each other again, and i think i just dont want that to happen. I want to be with my friends, i just have this feeling we would drift. Thinking about it, I really wonder who i can really call my friends.

All my rubbish thinking and feelings. I guess i have to many time to think about all these. But i guess i know one feeling for sure, is that i wish i could just die. Perhaps everything will end.

2006-04-28T19:04:00.000+08:00

Just had my chinese prelims on Monday and my english mid-year on Tuesday. BOTH WERE TERRIBLE. I think my chinese paper was worse then my english. I have no idea what the entire passage was talking about, actually, the entire paper. Sigh. Never Mind. Its only prelims, perhaps the "o" level would be ten time easier. I wish man. haha.

Did not go to school on Wednesday, had food poisoning! Clever right? Ate a stupid chocolate cake. I have made up my mind, chocolate is not good for your health and it make you fat. So from today onwards, I WILL NEVER EAT CHOCOLATE AGAIN! Suppose to have oral after school on that day, but i missed it.Oh wells, i am not spared from the agony of it anyway, i will be taking it on the coming tues after school. Haha!

2006-04-02T18:16:00.000+08:00

Today......was a really boring day... Sigh. Went to church in the morning as usual, for mass, and as usual, slept during mass. Had pratice for Holy Week after that, but i was just day-dreaming through it all. Then went to meet my cousin at compass point to ask her to teach me accounts, crash course. Damn, i dont think i remembered anything. Oh well, fail then fail la. Perhaps failure will wake me up.

I am dreading school tomorrow! I have no idea why, perhaps its because of CCA, plus PE, plus PFT. Its not fair. Why is everything tomorrow. And i still have accounts test. Sigh. This sucks. Came home, slept, woke up, and here i am. There goes my entire day. Wasted and bored.

I dont know why, while walking home today, she crossed my mind...it have been about 1 and 1/2 years already, but i just thought about her. I wonder how is she now? Never seen her after she left, all i remember was, when i came back and heard she left, i guess a part of my heart died. She really made such an impact on my life. Sigh, i dont get it why i still cannot forget her? Is it really that hard? I wish she never left, every thing was like before, happy...maybe not really happy, but at least she is around, even admiring from afar would be nice rather then just living on memory.

AHH! I am feeling so lost.... and now i like someone else too, someone i know that i cannot like, but yet we're close friends. Its so hard to pretend that nothing is wrong. How can i ever do that? I feel like i am betraying myself, but its for the best of everyone. If only that person would hate me, i ever thought about breaking that person most treasured possessions, but thinking about it, that person would feel damn sad, and i guess, it will just affect me even more....I hate this. If only there was no such thing such as love or feelings in this world! AHH. I just feel like dying, everything would end that way, an easy option, but... sigh.

I hate my life!

2006-03-31T20:53:00.000+08:00

Sigh. Too lazy to update. So i shall update now! Haha. Hmm...what happen during the past few weeks... I was sick for almost 3 weeks. The doctor is very lousy! All the medicine he gave me was useless, until now, i am still not well yet. Oh, never mind.
School is bad, i cant catch up with my work. I have no idea what is going on in class. I think i am going to fail everything. and to think this is my o level year. AND, i still have to deal with my CCA, with someone soooo irritating behind my back. Shall not say who.
Losing my faith in God already. HAHA. We had confession that day, after that was suppose to say penance, but after i left the area, i totally forgot about it. Sigh.
I dont know what to do. I am so confused about YOU. Why must we be so close to each other? Hate me would you? That would help me a lot. At least i know i can stop liking you!

:)

2006-02-26T19:18:00.000+08:00

Look at me and see my scars
Just for once, see me as they are
Don.t ask questions about the pain
Don.t look at me with disgust again
Just let me lie here, let me be
And maybe someone vulnerable you will see
You judge my cut without the fear
You don.t understand why I am lying here
With blood on the blade, blood on my hand
I am fading away from a life I can.t stand
I am not as tough as I might seem
I am terrified of being seen
I like to hide all on my own.
But now I hate it, I hate going home
Look at my scars, don.t be afraid
They are self inflicted, cuts I have made
I.ve never sliced deep enough to die
As you label me these tears I cry
If you knew the truth you.d be surprised.
These are real tears falling from my eyes.
All I am showing you is my thoughts inside
All the hate for myself that makes me hide
So look at me calmly and say
That you don.t care, that.s just my way.

Still deciding...

2005-12-11T20:09:00.000+08:00

Hmm...should i quit choir or not? There seems to be so much commitment. I dont think i can keep up anymore. I am really very tired. I wish someone would come up to me to give me many many reasons not to. I seem to be pulling away from God more and more. But i am trying not to!!! I should never have got confirmed! Damn it. OH WELLS. Not going to make much of a difference now. AAHHH! Someone tell me what to do.

Anyway, found this poem on the net. Damn Cool.

"The Sinner's Prayer"

My Father Who Art In Heaven
Yes You Know My Name
I Used To Be So Innocent
For Now I'm Not The Same

Grant Me Your Graceful Time
Don't Ignore My Tear
Just Please Understand
That This You Need To Hear

Born Into Sinfulness
Washed in Holy Blood
Righteousness To Wrongfulness
Sinning Just Because

Lord God Bestow Salvation
My Soul Yearns To Be Free
The Evil Temptations
That Rest Inside Of Me

Now I Stand Upon My Feet
Peering Upon A Knife
Knowing I Love Jesus
But Yet I Hate My Life

Please Forgive The Future
Forgive This That I'll Do
Remember That I'm Sorry
And Lord, I Love You Too

When I Cut My Throat
Remember This Sinners Call
Forgive Me Now Father
Let Angels Catch My Fall.

**Enjoy...**

Sigh

2005-11-13T22:41:00.000+08:00

Got confirmed last week. Finally, everything is over, but...its a hard step for me now...Got to come to church without having anyone dragging me.. Not going to be easy. Used to have something to go to church for...now.. sigh... Went to church today for normal sunday mass, but..really regreted it. Had to do projection today..everyone didnt come to church..
I totally screwed up mass! My entrance hymn was wrong. My gospel was too slow, my comm2 and thanksgiving got mixed up! Aaaah! I am never going to do mass anymore!

I passed!

2005-10-28T21:32:00.000+08:00

Got back my report book today. I passed. And i am going up to Sec 4. Oh man. This is definately a day to rejoice. :) I am going out to celebrate!

A day at the beach

2005-10-22T21:00:00.000+08:00

Haha...went to Pasir Ris beach today with my cousin this morning. Cycled for about half hour then went to tan. Half way, we decided to play with the sea water...then i don't know what happened but we ended up catching fish and chasing crab. We manage to catch a crab...haha..we decided to bury it and see if it can escape but that poor little thing just stay buried. oh well. haha.. went to cath. class after that.. Had a lesson on sin and confession. Went down for mass late even though i was doing the projectionist cause my friend said she would help me prepare the slides and i didnt dare to leave early. Think my teacher was angry that i leave class early everytime. Never mind, got a bigger shock when i went down. There was a big confusion over at the projection. Apparently, all the songs change so i was trying to re-arranged them, this man was next to me...talking to me..but..i was not listening, i was doing something else. So he spent like 15 mintues yakking to himself. All he was trying to do was to tell me to put in an extra slide. My Goodness...wasted so much of my time. Then the lector forgot to bring her paper so i had to lend her my paper but she was like blocking the projection...aiyah..Just a big big commotion. So irritating. Oh well, at least it ended right. :) I didnt go school on friday so i didnt get back my history paper. Haha..heard from my friend that i passed it! But it does not really make a difference. I failed my social studies very badly. Sigh.

What's wrong with me?

2005-10-19T19:09:00.000+08:00

I sit here alone in the night
wondering what is wrong with me
no one ever cares nor will they ever
there's a hole in my heart waiting to be filled
I fight back the tears
hoping no one would notice
while at the same time i wish they would
Why doesn't anyone notice me?
Why can't they see me for me?
not some rumor that everyone believes
Do i need to change? Should i change?
I used to think not
but now i'm not so sure
they all rush past acting like I don't exist
maybe I don't
maybe I don't allow myself to
What do i need to do to make you notice?
Just once, one time
I want to feel like i belong
my heart is empty and it waits
for how long i ask.
a year? a month? tomorrow?
to me, it seems like an eternity

Poison-Groove Coverage

2005-10-17T17:37:00.000+08:00

Your cruel device
Your blood, like ice
One look , could kill
My pain, your thrill

I wanna love you but i better not touch
I wanna hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you but i want it too much
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison

Your poison running through my veins
You're poison. I don't want to break this chain.

Your mouth, so hot
Your web, I'm caught
Your skin, so wet
Black lace on sweat

I hear you calling and it's needles and pins
I want to hurt you just to hear you screaming my name
Don't want to touch you but you're under my skin
I want to kiss you but your lips are venomous poison

Your poison running through my veins
You're poison. I don't want to break this chain

One look, could kill
My pain, your thrill
I wanna love you but i better not touch
I wanna hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you but i want it too much
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison

Your poison running through my veins
You're poison. I don't want to break this chain

I wanna love you but i better not touch
I wanna hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you but i want it too much
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison

Poison
Running deep inside my veins
Burning deep inside my veins
It's poison
I don't want to break this chain
Poison.

A place to call my own.

2005-10-16T11:43:00.000+08:00

Finally, got my blog up. A place I can finally call my own. Oh well. :) Didnt go to church today cause i was sick. Gone to church for the past two days. Which was quite boring because the programme was boring. On Friday, had this really long and boring talk by one of the Fathers in my church. Haha...i kind of just wasted one and a half hours of my life sitting there playing instead of listening. On Sat, had cath. class. It was our last class so our teacher came up with this very fantastic idea but emotionally disturbing lesson. He was telling about his faith. I dunno. I just find it really similar. But of cause he is fine in the end. For me, i dunno about that. Only time will tell. Ever since I heard about his faith, i just feel so confused.What's worse is that i don't know what i'm confused about. Sigh. Have not slept since then. I just had so much thoughts in my head. Oh well. Exams are over! Results are coming back. I don't think i want to know how i had done. Most likely very badly. i'm trying to get myself prepared to be retain but part of me still don't want to. The irony. Sigh. Anyway, what done is done. There is no point. Holidays are starting in two weeks. Stil have not decided what i'm going to do. Guess ill just stay at home and rot. :)

2005-10-15T21:01:00.000+08:00

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